Definitely.

I have always wanted to act, and I pursued it wholeheartedly as a child. But my confidence and motivation faded away with my teenage years. Mum says that it changed when dad died, but at 13, you don’t have incredible self-awareness, and I never noticed that connection at the time. Anyway, I never even missed acting. (Well, apart from finding myself crying during the curtain call in every single production I saw, regardless of its quality, whether I had enjoyed it at all, or even if it had looked fun to be in. I didn’t care. I was always wishing that I was up there with the rest of them, on that stage, performing. Why was I here in the audience, in the dark? Why why why?????????)

Nope, I didn’t miss acting at all.

Life went on. Uni, travelling, gardening, massage, working with older people, whittling wooden spoons, volunteering, co-operative living. The usual.

Then one of my best friends died unexpectedly in 2010, and for the first time in my life, it hit me that one day I would die.

I had always known this to be true, but only then did I properly internalise it.

I lay in bed, feeling my death hanging over me.

It could come at any time.

When you die, I thought, people don’t talk about the things written on your to-do lists. They talk about the things you actually did. And since ‘performing’ had been on my list for, well, basically ever, I decided that it was time to do something about it.

I enrolled on Red Grit (Red Ladder’s incredible FREE actor training course). For 8 weeks, I played games with a room full of interesting, inspiring people. My confidence as a performer, and even as a person, was low, but on that course, we were all treated as equals. A part of me woke up that had been sleeping since I was 13, and the next year, I got a part in Red Ladder’s play, Promised Land.

Woohoo! It’s happening!!! AAAAGH!!!

On the first night, I was saying to myself, ‘This is RIDICULOUS – members of the public, who I don’t even know, have PAID to watch me! I’m a fraud!! I’m not ready… Red Ladder have made a dreadful mistake trusting me. This is stupid.’

Then I heard the cue, and there was nothing for it but to enter the theatre, where members of the public were waiting for the show.

Waiting for us.

 For me.

 And of course I knew what to do. After all, we had done a lot of rehearsing.

Being a part of Promised Land was such a privilege.We were a mishmash of professionals, amateurs, beginners, students, and football fans, which might sound like a recipe for disaster, but it was not.

Red Ladder know how to do some sort of magic.

Right from the start, Rod was very clear that this was OUR play, and we were all invited to take responsibility – “There are no small parts.”

Poor Rod – I really took his words to heart, and one night during the run, I sent him an email with my own personal notes, consisting of no less than 7 points for discussion. As if he wasn’t busy enough. As if his notes, and the other directors’ notes weren’t enough. But somehow, he replied.

I LOVED being in that show – a 5 star production, on at the Carriageworks in Leeds, my home town, for over a week.

And through it all, Rod and the other directors had believed in us. Us idiots.

That is a precious gift to give someone.

It has stayed with me.

My journey since Promised Land has involved a year at circus school in Bristol, and two years at the world-renowned theatre school, Ecole Philippe Gaulier, where Philippe, after someone has done some particularly bad acting, says things such as, ‘Alor… Do you kill her? Do you destroy her, physically, put in a bath with chloric acid, piranhas, and the body of (large student) naked on top of her?’. Said with love, of course… At this school you develop your own sense of belief in yourself, somehow. You have to. And I’m not slating the school, by the way. I knew what I had got myself in for. I wanted it. And I got a lot a lot out of it . An unmeasurable amount. But it was good to know, underneath, that once upon a time, I had been in a Red Ladder play, and people had enjoyed it.

In my two years at the theatre school, I have met hundreds of students, but only ONE other person was from Yorkshire, and he was based in London.

The majority of UK students are based in London, and that seems like the logical place to go, but I don’t want to go to London. My heart is in Leeds. There are also plenty of people in Yorkshire who would love to perform in, and watch, good theatre productions.

Red Ladder is one of the things that give me hope about being back in Leeds. They believe in this city, in the people, and in good theatre. There is no other theatre company around quite like them. They are radical, genuine, fun, and bloody good at what they do. Plus, Promised Land has left me with a network of lovely supportive people who care about good theatre and mutual support. We are ‘The Landers’, and we’re everywhere. No really.

Yes, Red Ladder believed in us. They believed in me. And from Red Grit to Promised Land to being back here where I started, a lot has changed.

I am different now.

Or maybe I’m not.

Is it even important?

Who knows.

Maybe these last 3 years have been pure placebo, and my acting ability is exactly the same.

The point is that now I am actually getting on with that item on my to-do list, and I’m pursuing it again wholeheartedly, and that all came from being believed in.

Ruth Berkoff

Red Ladder is desperate to keep the Red Grit Training Programme going. Any support that people can give the company to keep these training courses alive would be gratefully accepted.

https://localgiving.com/charity/redladder